softened for him

 

This is me, caught in the act of running away.
Scared to death,
wanting nothing to do with THAT MAN.     

Inspite of my actions,
digging in my heels and saying: "NO, I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THAT, "













 --------- he STILL BREAKS into my awareness.

Me, typing a conversation, thinking about the wonderful progress I am enjoying.

While in the back of my mind, I am fearing my hospital appointment today, having my ankle numbed and an infected wound scraped away.

Then HE startles me and I come undone.

The Jesus Wind reminds me: "he has my back, he's here for me today, it's going to be okay."

Tears fall, the defenses drop, I cry,
he comforts and quiets my concerns, softened for him. 

THAT MAN faced hostility under the cover of night,

took the rage and the hatred and the cruel punishment,

was humiliated and killed,

before writing a whole new chapter for his disciples in time and space.

He doesn't stop,
he pursues and wins me over.

(Artwork)
The Disciple That Fled
by Karl Marxhausen, 1999,
Litho Crayon and Ink on paper, 13.5 x 16.25 inches




Reprint from March 25, 2015 
After a whole year of treatments, my ankle wounds were completely healed on January 26, 2016. Blessed be the name of Jesus.


 

june thoughts

      in this third week of june the "ease of blogging" has been disrupted. the fred geary presentation, the completion of the six color reductive linocut, photos stuck in a hard drive of a dead computer, all of it disconnected.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX   joys come inspite of this circumstance. ~~~Thank you for protecting me from snakes as I move down the levee into the wild areas. You keep my truck safe. You watch over my tires. You give insight and keep me from getting stuck. You lead me to a pleasant grove with mulberries juicy and ready to pluck and enjoy. This is your abundance, this is your joy over me, a hidden delight  with you, your hands involved--I am not forgotten. Trees tall going up up up, sand, and shade,  just what I was hoping for, you lay it at my feet. You keep me safe, Jesus. Thank you for your constant attention.---
       This day I paint the surface of the river, the wind roars around me like a dragon, do I run now? No harm comes near, I remain and paint with my ears on alert for danger.---
       Before I fall asleep, you hear me. "Wake me up at 6 in the morning. Make me wide awake." Six o'clock comes and my eyes are open, ready to go out to paint. You answer. You enable. You travel.--
      With us, we work, we paint the donut window with dancing donuts, Jan's logo, her blue cup and brown donut and rising sun rays, yes, you make this pair, this team, click and work cooperatively, enjoying her, getting the work done, going forward, we help, we laugh, window colors in enamel, your YES glistens in our eyes---
     Surprised by a friend who remembers me, recalling our early days of service at the local newspaper. Your joy sweeps across my face, laughter, your YES, your happiness, welcome here.--
     Saturday morning I meet the one you picked out, the man from Texas, who will lead us forward into tomorrow's technology. You arranged for the agreement to take place, Jesus. One month later this comes forth, from the unseeable future, HERE HE IS, your gift to the Print Society, wow, look at that, wow.---
     Father, you hear. In the unevenness and uncertainty, among my garbage, inspite of my gripes and whines, you bring your surprises right now. Savior, Near, my Vast Intensity Joy Undivided.

   Jesus made it possible for feelings of rejection and being unwanted to leave me. I had been born with clubfeet. That is, my baby legs had no heels, they stretched out down to the toes. Through the years those internal feelings followed me and shaped my life.
   A friend Larry asked Jesus to heal those emotional wounds in me. In a time of tears and grief, Jesus held me in his arms and let me cry. He replaced that grief with a rootedness, a sense of being loved by him. I was not unwanted, I belong to him. He brought a calm into my little heart, in my grown up adult body. And he brought a rest that was not there before.
Larry said the prayer for me. But Jesus healed the wound. (Gardena, California, 1989 entry)

The tendency to judge yourself without mercy--to have difficulty having fun--to take yourself very seriously--I could relate to that.

Learning about co-dependency opened my eyes. Patterns of thinking were glued to my being. They described my life choices exactly. They seemed like unbreakable walls.

The wall breaker comes to cradle and nourish. He touches my life  through people, through counsel, through hands-on prayer, letting me cry without embarrassment, without ridicule, without shame, and the embrace goes deeper than deep. It is silver. It moves the internal landscape. The restless architecture is given outside strength and joy emerges, laughter spills out, the brittle meaness softens.

     Jesus led me across the LBI campus to Guy's apartment. To exercise the next step in the New Hope program, I would share "all the things I know I had done wrong to people," I would disclose them to another human being. Guy was just another student who sat in the same classes as me, someone I did not know well. He knew Jesus and he did listen to my long list of mistakes. What I remember the MOST was the hug at the end. When I did, I began to cry and all the tears came out. He did not pull away from me. I was so embarrassed to soak his shirt with tears. Guy said it was ok. And so I just stood there crying on his shoulder. It was like Jesus was holding me and it was a safe place to cry.
    Jesus became very real to me in THOSE MOMENTS!!! He was not ashamed of me or my behavior. He let me pour out my heart. And after all that crying there came a peace. (Anaheim, California 1988 entry)

    In Isaiah this morning (chapter 40 verse 11) God comes to every person as a shepherd to cradle his young lambs. He comes to settle the anxiety and the restlessness that bears no name, that is glued to my being.

    Joy expressed in my life these past twenty years came out of his nurture and cradling. Enjoying life, enjoying my job, enjoying painting, enjoying assemblages, enjoying singing and humming and playing guitar, making melody, enjoying cooking, enjoying bike rides, enjoying people, being open, being myself, enjoying times in his presence, caught off guard when he taps my shoulder, enjoying the fingerprints of his knowledge that scientists have recently published,
laughing, and cracking up; going easier on myself, and telling him he is remarkable.

He paints this value of himself ON TOP OF ME. the architecture laughs, the brittleness sings, the rusty kettle blogs yes.

You Paint Joy On Top Of Me by Karl Marxhausen, 40 by 40 inches, sand and acrylic paint on panel 
Elsewhere art exhibit, All Souls Gallery, 4501 Walnut, Kansas City, MO. November 6th to December 2nd, 2011