shall be like a tree

It is 2018. What about the two trees laying in our yard?

Just look at the exposed roots.

Jan called the trees DEAD.

One day in Spring I notice feathers of green fuzz. Then the smallest buds.

  Shoots unfurl. Leaves fan out on the parallel trunks. In spring of 2018 shade is created. The space is a place to explore and be inside tucked away from sight. Yessss.

The two trees full of leaves in 2018 are tied to the activity of God.

The one who delights in the way of the LORD, who considers and takes to heart His instruction WILL BE ---

like a tree planted by the rivers of water...  that brings forth its fruit in its season... whose LEAF will not wither... and whatever one does will prosper.   book of psalms, chapter one, verses two and three

Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD... and whose hope is the Lord. One will BE LIKE A TREE.... PLANTED BY THE WATERS... spreading out its roots down by the stream. One will not fear when the heat comes. But its leaf will be green!! And will not be anxious in the year of drought... nor will it cease from bearing fruit.       book of jeremiah, chapter seventeen, verses seven and eight

 
The two trees are a word picture for me. 
A reminder of whose I am. 
Who my Keeper is.
The LORD is active  alive.
He has planted me - waters me - 


The trees are alive and green in 2018 and will be also in 2019.



=    =   =   =   =   =   =

tey ley ohmatah

reclined  
with tears  
your words roll off my lips
i love you  i love you  i love you  i love you

the blur above
looking at the ceiling
the shapes of what has been moved 
from her once room to our living room at home
no cross here
i know you are telling me
i love you  i love you  i love you karl    son   mine  you are mine

in grief
straying eyes blurred 
led to rest on
butterfly and red stream
your blood for me
your butterfly
i love   i love you my son   i love    i love you
collected

out of focus
no cross  i see you jesus
in this   i spy the number 3, a red O, two black lines, gold with red 
you jesus   i love you   i love you father   i love
collected together

just the way you are    just the way you are
above the jumble of form
translucent with opaque lines
that's me   in this blurry state   me
just the way you are   i love you karl   just the way you are
i love you    i love you   just the way you are

i spy the signature
the pencil suspended    me in you    held by you jesus
tethered

another    further off the line    me
in this   you call   you draw 
i hear
just as you are    just as you are
i love you   i love you   i love

      tey ley ohmatah


     

to thee i bow you hold me now

The riches of his love. This season. I remember emotion was encouraged in our community. It was okay to think about Jesus on the cross and to be touched by what he did for me. It was okay to have tears, okay to be loved by God, both internally and privately but also in the pew. Hearing the words, believing, and making them mine. The way he makes us his. The way he brings faith. The way he comes.

I remember fondly walking the dark halls of Weller to rooms lit by a single candle, during the season of Lent. People silently gathered along the walk to remember Jesus, a meditation and fondness for his being beaten and stripped and mocked and cruelly nailed to heavy wood and left to die. Singing "Go to Dark Gethsemane, ye that feel the temptor's power." That melody meant everything to me --the somberness, the grief, and wonder. Being held by the One who lives forever. Calling me his child. A grown 62 year adult-child, tenderly met, held close, thought of by the Lord, the Most High's precious Son.

Thanks to those who modeled this emotion for me as a child. Pastor spoke about the 40 days leading up to Easter this morning. Lots of words for those who didn't know. For me, the heritage ran deep. St. Paul says how we can be known deeply, how ugly inner workings can be viewed by a loving God, and his mercy pours gratitude out from within the mess that I hide. It is his embrace. That blood cure that makes me know inspite of the crap hidden within he calls me his little boy. 

This is You. My king. tears of joy. Yes!!!!!!!!!

who am i that god should care

  

Let every body stand up and shout, This is the One who helped me out.

It was something that God wanted to do
Something that God wanted to do
It was something that God wanted to do for me

Nothing I was worthy of
Yet He did it for me in His love
Something that I thank Him for
Something of His mercy
Something of His power
Something of His glory

Who am I that He should love me?
Who am I that God should care?
All my shame and guilt He carried
Such a love has no compare

It was nothing I was worthy of
Yet he did it for me in His love
Something that I thank Him for
Something of His mercy
Something of His power
Something of His glory















I'm a child of my Father
He loves me, I am His own
I'm His child for ever and ever
To my God do I belong

It was nothing I was worthy of
Yet he did it for me in His love
Something that I thank Him for
Something of His mercy
Something of His power
Something of His glory

Something
Something


Worship video. Seven minutes. 2015 guitar and voice.

Something that I thank Him for
Thank You, Jesus
Something that I thank Him for
Thank You, Jesus
Something that I thank Him for
Thank You, Jesus
Something that I thank Him for
Thank You, Jesus

Something of His mercy mercy
Something of His mercy mercy
I don't deserve it but You gave it
I don't deserve it but You gave it
I don't deserve it but You gave it
I don't deserve it but You gave it

 













Something of His power power
Something of His power power
You are mighty, You do declare it
You are mighty, You do declare it
You are mighty, You do declare it
You are mighty, You do declare it

Something of His glory glory
Something of His glory glory
Yes I know the Name
Yes I know the Name
Yes I know the Name
and You are good

Let them know the Name
Let them know the Name
Let them know the Name
for You are good

Let every body stand up and shout
This is the One who helped me out
Let every body stand up and shout
This is the One who helped me out
Let every body stand up and shout
This is the One who helped me out
Let every body stand up and shout
This is the One who helped me out

It was something that God wanted to do
Something that God wanted to do
It was something that God wanted to do
For me and you and you and me

It was something that God wanted to do
Something that God wanted to do
It was something that God wanted to do for me

Wanted (lyrics and guitar chords) by Karl Marxhausen, copyright 2015.

feeling it

    I woke up this morning from a dream about mom. She was telling me how it was when she was with her doctor after I was born. Her grappling with the absence of my feet. How she herself was in a daze coming out of the ether. It wasn't until she unwrapped the bundle that was placed in her arms that she noticed my legs were straight with tiny toes at the end of them. No feet for her baby. The doctor pronounced her first child had clubfeet.

    In the dream she wasn't specific but implied that the doctor knew things that were confidential. The dream said no more than that. As I typed this post, it was the stories she had spoken to me that filled in the gaps. How they had been at a beer party earlier that day, driving over a bumpy rural road to get her to go into labor. And so on.

    I thought about a Carrollton friend Charlie when he cried over the phone to me, scared to death with the reality of his own grief. Its awkwardness, its tumble, what it is like to FEEL it bubble out, without dignity. The words of David came to mind in Psalms 56:8. How all our struggles and tears were kept by God in a bottle, as a valuable part of our existence, given his attention.  How precious were our tears. In contrast to sharing the pain, life has told me to keep those pains shielded from public view. Hold the grief down. Hang on to the hurts. Build up walls. Be like an island or a rock, as the poet Paul Simon wrote.

    One morning as she headed out Jan told me that I should take some time to think about my mother and write down the memories I have of her. (Double click to enlarge images)

She advised me to be open to crying. "Let the tension and stress be released." As she spoke memories began to surface. So,  I acted on my wife's idea, curled up in the recliner, wrote and drew in my journal.


It was like the lyrics of Running Blind by Michael Hedges. The way memories went "tearing its way through my heart."

Hedges' song here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBiQAEBYIWY and lyrics follow.

Somewhere defined in aimless words
Somewhere within my angry herd
of stampeding emotions
Love was running blind

I read my way through those scattered pieces
Gathered up all the trampled feelings
And built up the fences strong
so l could hide

But all night long I would stare
at all the moon and the stars I could bear
Then from daylight on
It would tear through my heart
It went tearing its way through my heart
Tearing its way through my heart

Dazzling circles slow too soon
But dancing to some forgotten tune
You weave in the sky some pattern I can trace
Fading to taste the afterglow
Pure as the song you sing so low
Your senses came down to meet me
Face to face

Baby all night long I would stare
at all the moon and the stars I could bear
Then from daylight on
It would tear through my heart
It went tearing its way through my heart
Tearing its way through my heart
Tearing its way

As I drew and waited and put down more, it happened to me. The thing Jan suspected took place.

The Holy Spirit of God unlocked the muscle memories within.

 

The silence in the house was broken with deep sobs felt in my stomach muscles.




Groans and coughs.
Spitting into the wastebasket.
Letting the memories out.


Like the way she relentlessly squeezed my pimples when I was a teenager. I hated that about her. That memory of violation. Like the way she drank alcohol during her pregnancy and the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome that deformed my feet. The shame and rejection put onto my little heart. The restoration that God brought back to me through the prayers of Betty, Larry, Jan, and others. 

 
By his stripes we are healed, Isaiah wrote in his book 53:5. To me that meant my reality today could be altered by what Jesus did, when he died and resurrected from the dead. His act was like a historic vortex that sucked up every harsh memory I chose to go of and infused an x factor that brought release and healing to my mental state in the present.

When I told Charlie about my mom dream God spoke through his words to encourage me. What was so damn important about being needy, emotional, feeling these feelings, and asking for help? The way that dream came to me. The way You put me in that position. The way You chose to visit and open the door for Charlie to help me.
    

spared

      Jesus intervenes to save me. He saves me.
      In 1992 I was driving home from Chillicothe frustrated and depressed. The ad sales I thought I could drum up on a Saturday morning had fallen through. This was when I worked for the local Carrollton Daily Democrat newspaper. I was angry inside. The smoldering anger nearly ended my life in suicide.
      As I drove down highway 65 I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind. I prayed for Bible verses. Nothing seemed to help. When I drove down the off ramp at the Carrollton exit I was in a depressed stupor. I entertained how easy it would be to drive past the stop sign in the the ditch and end my life.
     Jesus intervened and stopped me.
     The Spirit led me to a nameless friend and after our talk my day brightened up a lot.
     As I remember that smoldering anger and where I was I wondered: how does someone who does not know Jesus make it through the day??
    Without Jesus there helping me - guiding me to friend - or getting help, I would have been dead by now. Being a Christian and thinking of suicide is a possibility.
    Oh Jesus. I thank You for Your intervention. You save me. I praise You. You are worthy of all praise. You preserved my life. You direct my steps. You love and care for me. Jesus. Thank You, Jesus.

Prayer journal entry, 1992
Carrollton, MO
Karl Marxhausen

heart's desire

      Jesus is my provider.
      In 1986 my wife dearly wanted to have a Christmas tree. We lived in Des Moines, Iowa at the time. We could not afford to buy a real tree. But this was her heart's desire.
      A friend of ours worked for the local 700 Club chapter as a phone counselor. He told us that the chapter was making available live Christmas trees for the poor.
     So, one Saturday I drove down in our VW bug to pick out a tree. I made two trips. One for our friend JJ, a single mother, and one for us. The tree filled that small car.
     Jan decorated the tree with ornaments and later we had the church youth groups over for a Christmas party. It was then that the group leader made mention to the kind of tree we had. He said it was a Scottish pine. One of the best trees you could buy. It was just over six feet tall and the branches spread out nicely.
     When I heard that I was amazed. Jesus gave my wife the desire of her heart. Even though we could not afford it. Jesus notices the desires we have in our hearts. That Christmas Jesus showed us the attention he has for us. It changed our ideas about Jesus. Jesus notices the little private things.

prayer journal entry, 1986
Karl Marxhausen 

steel rod

      Jesus helped me pull a steel rod of tension out of my wife's foot.
      It was late on a weekday night. When either one of us needs prayer we pray for each other. Together we invited the Holy Ghost to reveal to us how to pray and what to pray for. We asked for pictures or words that would help us to pray accurately.
      My wife felt tension up and down her left leg. It hurt a lot. As she sat on the recliner in our living room we prayed and waited on Jesus.
      After some time Jesus gave me a mental picture of a steel rod. She and I talked about that. It was like there was this steel rod running from her hip down to her foot.
      Jesus led me to pull on a steel rod I could not see and slowly pul it out from the heel of her foot. My wife said she could feel it go down her leg and out her foot.
      Jesus had given me the picture. He helped me to believe it and act on it. Neither one of us could explain the physical sensations she had experienced.
      The tension was completely gone. Her leg did not hurt anymore. The tension left because Jesus had pulled it out.

      Marvelous are Your works, Jesus. Blessed in Your Name. Thank You for showing us how to pray.
      You are able.
       You are present.
       You heal our wounds.
      You are marvelous.
       You are mighty.
       You are able, Jesus.
        You are able.

prayer journal entry, 1996
Carrollton, Missouri
Karl Marxhausen

because I go

Jesus said it this way:

    Because I go to my Father,  I will send you the Comforter. He will TEACH you all things and will REMIND you of everything I have said to you. john 14: 26

    Because I go to my Father, I will send you the Spirit of truth and he will MANIFEST to you ALL I HAVE SAID. john 15: 26

    Because I go to my Father, I will send the Counselor and he will guide you into all truth. He will SPEAK only what he hears, and he will TELL YOU what is to come. john 16: 13

    Because I go to my Father, the Helper I send to you will bring glory to Me by taking from what is mine and MAKING IT KNOWN to you.  john 16: 14

    Because I go to my Father, the Advocate will be with you forever. The world cannot welcome him nor take him to heart. But you recognize him, for he LIVES WITH you and WILL BE IN you.  john 14: 16,17

      Because I go to my Father, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these. john 14:12

      Because I go to my Father, and will send you the Spirit of truth, I will do whatever you ask in My name, so the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask Me anything in My name and I will do it. john 14: 13,14

   Thank you Jesus for being mighty and strong. 
   Thank you for going to the Father, and sending the Strengthener.
    For He opens my heart, he reveals Jesus, he helps me to believe and accept the words of Jesus, and the wonders he does proves and exalts the name of Jesus. So that Jesus may have the following that He deserves.

    For faith comes by hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.  romans 10:17

    bring it.

what it is

      In 1986, this was a graphic I did for myself to remember what the Holy Spirit was doing in me.

Here is a metal graphic. The names of Reinhold Pieper Marxhausen and members of his family Karl Marxhausen and Paul Marxhausen and Dorris Marxhausen - were stamped into metal plates - and welded together with the names of other citizens. A large orb of humanity. ABOVE.BELOW

Here is a ceramic graphic in the shape of a manger. The etched words on it read: "And for our salvation came down from heaven was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the virgin Mary and was made man."

    In 1966 the artist made these graphics to remember what the Holy Spirit was doing in Reinhold's life.

    To recall who it was that became mortal like Reinhold.

    To declare what the Holy Spirit declares about Jesus - He is real and resurrected from the dead, and draws men and women, boys and girls, to himself.

    To proclaim that Reinhold has called on him and received Jesus as his Savior for the forgiveness of sins.

    To celebrate this living Life Changer, who defeats my grudges, my hatred, my blame, my poison, my hurt against others.

    To sing aloud that He loves me because He wants to.

    To become a lover of Jesus.

    Lovers are being revealed....