The one that knows me inside and out began to open my mind and my heart, to wonder, to ponder, to ask for help, to seek forgiveness. In 1986 -- The Spirit led me to meet with the pastor and together God made a way. I was thirty years old when I began to deal with resentments and buried feelings. Feelings I had been told to suppress. Feelings I had been asked to suck up and not feel. A poison that colored how I interacted with those around me.
The Spirit of God is a gentleman. He is not a bully. He will not badger you or defeat you. He does not come to stomp on you or pull you to the ground. But he does seek your hand and make advances. When you are ready, he comes along side and gives you the courage to ask for his aid. He waits for an open heart, he listens for a soft spoken "yes," a whisper of consent. He acts when we give him our permission. For me, logic and reason have kept him at an arm's length. I thought I knew how he worked. Let me tell you, there is so much more. More than my Lutheran teachers told me while I was growing up.
During the counseling session the Holy Spirit revealed hurt feelings I had bottled up. Anger at being controlled by mom. Verbal slights. Like I couldn't come up with the answer myself, how I had to do things her way. Anger at high expectations from my dad. If I did art he could love me. It was my reactions, my choice to stuff down the resentment, my choosing to remember and hold the grudge, blaming dad and mom -- instead of forgiving them. This believer in Jesus had lots of anger at God as well.
Pastor Al had seen the wonders of Jesus in his own life firsthand. Al led me to Jesus in prayer. The Holy Spirit gave me the courage to forgive my dad first. In a later meeting, forgiving my mom. And still later, forgiving myself. Pastor Al said the prayer. But Jesus restored my life.
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