In 1987 my wife and I were headed out to the state of California, when my mother in Nebraska gave me this advice: seek out information about Adult Children of Alcohlics. And I did.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive.
They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.
This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment.
In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
 
(Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Woititz 1983 courtesy of http://www.coachmaria.com/12steps.html, accessed Nov 20, 2011)


While living in southern California and going to school at the Lutheran Bible Institute of Anaheim, I attended an evening New Hope program at a church. I learned about codependency in a christian setting and followed the 12 step program.
In 2011 when I look at "my walls" that were dealt with, there is nothing "simple" about them.

hide the pain
don't feel
don't share
fake it
crippled at birth
feeling unworthy

feeling unwanted
feeling abandoned
shamed
ugly
labled
being belittled

"you don't have the brains to do it right"
verbal and emotional abuse
"you can't expect to be loved unless you do this...

internal pressure from unrealistic expectations
"you can't meet my expectations unless you do it my way"

my own critical attitudes
being a jerk around others
being judgmental

ANGER at mom and dad

forgive attitudes of anger at yourself

choose to let go of bitterness towards parents

My private diary is full of unexpected break-throughs from a higher power.

This is as real as it gets.

When he breaks in... He is not embarrassed by what he sees.

He is not ashamed of what I am.
He is pleased with my inadequacies.

He embraces this porcupine. 

tears fall, I come undone, 

my mind unravels in his embrace, 

he gifts me with joy, he melts my resistance, 

his bathes my sores, he mends my wounds.

 

"You Embrace Me, How Can You??" 10 by 28 inches, acrylic on panel
Elsewhere art exhibit, All Souls Gallery, 4501 Walnut, Kansas City, MO. November 6th to December 2nd, 2011